You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
