I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize