My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
