everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
