You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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