at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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