He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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