every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
