so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
