this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
