She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
