i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
