I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
