Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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