I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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