was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize