Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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