I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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