I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
