I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
