I wannas sexs uuuuu
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
