New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
