I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
