i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
