remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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