He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
