pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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