she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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