Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize