Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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