I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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