my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize