She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
