Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
