he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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