He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
