If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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