Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
