fuck your aforementioned shoe
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize