i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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