I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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