i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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