I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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