Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
and i looked up. we had an audience...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
