did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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