I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sarcasm needs its own font
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
