I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
