I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
