I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You are the jesus of drinking
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
