Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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