I like my sex mixed with concussions.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
