i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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