Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
