I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize