Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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