dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Can Purell be used as lube?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
