If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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